


A Council of Idiots

by chellerrific



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Crack, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-10
Updated: 2011-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:21:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hades tries to cheer his favorite sister up the best way he knows how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Council of Idiots

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skypirateb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skypirateb/gifts), [daasvedanya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daasvedanya/gifts).



> For Philippa and Anya.

Hades draws two crude stick figures in the dirt, writing ZEUS above one and POSEIDON above the other. After a pause, he draws two more and labels them HERA and DEMETER.

Hestia eyes them. “Brother…” But she doesn’t finish the thought, waiting to see what he does.

Hades clears his throat. “I call this meeting of the Idiot Council to order,” he says in a rough imitation of Zeus’ gravelly voice, standing above the ZEUS figure. “What idiot business have we to discuss today?

“Well, Brother Zeus,” he says, softening his voice to sound more like Poseidon’s as he steps to the corresponding figure. “Your daughter trounced me in a contest for a city using an olive tree.”

Back to Zeus. “Trounced you with an olive tree? Now just how did she do that?

“The contest was to see who could give them a better gift. She gave them an olive tree. I thought I had it locked, because who even likes olives? I mean, I could take a dump right there and win the contest, right? And as we all know, I am just classy enough to do that.

“I like olives.

“I know you do, Brother Zeus. But I thought, surely the people of this city can’t have as poor taste as my brother. And my gift was excellent. I smote the ground and a spring of water gushed forth! I don’t even have enough fingers to count how many times better than an olive tree that is.

“But you said she trounced you.

“Yes, well. They complained because the spring was saltwater, see.

“You gave them a _saltwater_ spring?

“Of course! I’m the god of the sea!

“That _is_ idiotic. Excellent, Brother Poseidon. You’ve outdone yourself.”

“Well, he _is_ the god of the sea,” Hestia protests.

But Hades goes on, still speaking as Zeus. “I’ve a tale of my own to relate. I’ll… we’ll say had a _minor indiscretion_ with a mortal.

“Which time are we talking about here?” He switches back to Poseidon.

“Yes, yes, we all know I cannot keep it in my pants and I doubt I could keep track of them all even if my brain were a normal size, but here I’m talking about Semele. The mother of my boy Dionysus, remember? Yes, her. Well, you see, my lovely wife Hera, you all know Hera here of course, she made Semele doubt my true identity. Still not entirely sure how she did it, because who else is much of a pompous blowhard as I? With respect to you, Brother Poseidon, of course.

“Of course.

“So Semele asked me for a favor. Without waiting to hear what it was, I swore on the River Styx that I would grant it. Well, the favor turned out to be seeing me in my true godly form. Because I am an idiot, I had to go through with it and—” he pauses to give a nervous chuckle— “boy was my face red.

“Not as red as hers, I’ll bet.

“No sir, not as red as hers.

“Swearing on the River Styx to fulfill an oath you haven’t heard. That is indeed idiotic, Brother Zeus.”

Hestia frowns. “Poor Semele. _He_ didn’t know what she was going to ask!”

Hades speaks again as Zeus. “What about you, Sister Hera? Have you any idiot news?

He steps to the Hera figure. “Dear brother,” and this time he speaks in a feminine, sultry voice like Hera’s, and even Hestia can’t help but smile, because Hades trying to sound like a sultry woman is not something one hears every day. “I should think marrying you would be more than enough to earn me a place on this council for all eternity.

“Very good, very good point, dear. Sister Demeter?”

He moves to the Demeter figure now, and when next he speaks, it’s in a harsh feminine voice, harsher than Demeter really sounds, but Hestia just purses her lips and doesn’t interrupt. “I continue to harass my extremely handsome and wonderful son-in-law while I spread ridiculous, unbelievable rumors that he _kidnapped_ my daughter or some such nonsense. Blah, blah, blah, something about cereal.

“Yes, Sister Demeter, you truly are an idiot if you cannot appreciate the wonder that is our dear brother Hades. As are the rest of us.

“Don’t forget, Brother Zeus,” he says as Poseidon again, “that we also fail to appreciate everything about our dear sister Hestia.

“How could I ever forget that? That is the most idiotic thing of all that we do. And as you all know, that is really saying something. The truth is, aren’t we all jealous of her? After all, we could never aspire to be as intelligent, as kind, or as generally wonderful as her.”

Hestia blushes, looking down at the ground. “They’re all wonderful, in their own ways…”

“Their own _idiot_ ways,” Hades says in his own voice. “Anybody who would ever try to make you feel bad is an idiot, plain and simple, and not worth you defending them.”

“But…” Even as Hestia tries to protest, she can’t help but feel a spark of warmth in her stomach He’s working so hard to cheer her up, and she knows he means what he says, which is the most important part of all. She wishes they all got along, but for now, she’s glad to have him as an ally. Instead of pressing the point, she hugs him. “Thank you, brother.”

He hugs her back. “It’s nothing.”

But it is something, and she knows it. “Hey,” she says suddenly, remembering. “Would you like to try this drink from the east? It’s called tea…”


End file.
